So long......Thank you

It has been so long since my last post. Being a mother of 2 little boys below 3 years old is definitely very challenging.

Here's some updates of my motherhood life especially on my personal lifestyle and breastfeeding journey.

Personal Lifestyle:
There was no more 'me' time available for myself. Latching, pumping, cooking and cleaning have occupied my entire life. I have learned how to take speedy bath and gobbling down food without tasting them. I have even forgotten what were my hobbies. Hair-do, facial treatment and shopping for new clothes were put aside for a very long time until last month I accidentally looked into the mirror and had a big wake-up call. Despite already gaining back my pre-pregnancy weight, my body just didn't look fit. Enlarged breasts (thanks to breastfeeding), flabby arms, bulging tummy and shaggy hips accompanied by a pairs of dark-circled panda eyes on a no longer v-shaped pale face...... Yes, I told myself firmly that it is time to reduce the level of  'selfless' spirit to the family.  I have to learn to be selfish again in order to have more time to take care of my physical and mental health.  This is not just for myself, but also for my husband and boys. They deserve a glowing fit looking wife and mum!

Breastfeeding:
I manage to fully breastfeed Lucas since he was 3 months old. The first two months were full of obstacles. First of all, I had a confinement lady who kept telling me that I didn't have enough milk and always quietly 'took' away my baby to feed him with formula milk.

I waited until the confinement period was over before trying like mad people to direct latch my baby day and night, hoping to be able to convert the feeding mode from 'semi breastfeed' to 'fully breastfeed'. I achieved my goal when Lucas turned 3 months old.

While most breastfeeding mother skip their menstrual cycle, I had period everyday until Lucas was 15 weeks old. With the constant blood lost, I was already at the brink of deciding if I should stop breastfeeding. However,  I eventually decided to hypnotise myself everyday to try to breastfeed him for one more day.  On one fine day,  my body finally gave in to my determination to fully breastfeed. Ever since, those 'bloody days' had halted until today.

Lucas, is definitely luckier than his big brother, Jaden, whom I barely breastfeed for 4 months due to lacking of breastfeeding knowledge and also some hormonal issue.  I just hope that the benefits of breast milk would pay off to make Lucas a stronger and healthier boy.

Converting my working mode to work from home gave me the luxury to direct latch my baby boy all day long. Well, while direct latching gave me the convenience of no bottle to wash, no milk to heat and no left over feed but I have definitely overlooked the attachment of  direct latching babies towards their mothers ( or to be more direct, the pair of milky boobs).

Lucas is the koala that hangs himself full time on the tree, of course with me be the tree. You may ask, doesn't he take nap?  Hmm...he is a light sleeper that his napping time doesn't last any longer than 45 minutes. The worst thing is he has developed the habit of comfort latching in order to fall asleep. Every night, he practically falls asleep with the nipple in his mouth, then rolls away from me to continue sleeping for say an hour or two at most. Rolling back again to search for the teats, begin sucking then roll away.....The routine goes on for the rest of the night. The result? I am constantly in sleep deprived mode.

To break his addictive routine, we have tried having me sleeping in the guest rooms while Bernard takes care of him at night. The baby would wake up for milk (bottle feed), but as soon as he emptied the bottle he started to cry his lungs out  for the next ten fifteen minutes until the teats couldn't stand it but move back to co-sleep with him.

Lucas is turning 9 months old tomorrow. Hopefully,by the time he celebrates his 1st birthday, both mother and baby would achieve consensus on the weaning terms. I am longing for the days when I could feel myself again as an independent entity, that could live without thinking about milk in my boobs anymore.

Lastly, this post shall be my last post for this blog. This blog was mainly created to record my fertility journey. With some minor hiccups in the journey, Bernard and I used to think we will grow old together without having any kid. But life has been very kind to us,  we now have two little boys producing endless noise (and laughter too!)  in our used to be quiet home. Thus, if I continue to write in this blog, it will become a parenting blog instead, which swayed away from its original intention. I have hence decided to call it an end here. For those who could read Chinese (in English, occasionally), you may follow the updates of my life in my other blog,  Mirabel Garden.

Thank you for accompanying me throughout the journey to become a mother. If you are still thriving to become one, remember to continue inculcate joy and fun in your life, while making sure you are guided by certified fertility professionals along the journey.  I believe the next angel will knock at your door soon! Good luck!

I

Postnatal - Day 72

Baby Lucas is 72 days old today. Things have been going smoothly so far, except for some hiccups in the early weeks when the baby was awake throughout the nights. Not only showing tantrum for constant cuddles, he also cried out loud whenever we turned off the light. It was truly a nightmare for me. As a result of lacking of sleep, I became an emotional zombie in the day. Luckily, the 'dark era' only lasted for about 3 weeks (but it definitely sounds like forever to me during that time!). Now, he can practically sleep through the night (touch wood!). In the contrary, I am the one who wake him up in the middle of the night due to breasts engorgement.

Jaundice

Lucas did not suffer from jaundice. We were so prepared that he would suffer from jaundice as Jaden had jaundice before and nurses in the hospital also jokingly told me that out of 10 babies, 10 of them will suffer from jaundice nowadays. I have not done anything special to prevent jaundice from happening. If you said that drinking young coconut water helps, then I did drink 2 to 3 times of young coconuts water during the 3rd trimester of pregnancy. But, I can tell you that I did the same thing too when I was pregnant with Jaden. So, I cannot conclude that young coconut water helps to reduce or prevent jaundice. 

Breastfeeding

I definitely do better this round if compared to my 1st pregnancy, although Lucas is not fully breastfed. Out of 8 feeds in the day, 6 feeds will be breast milk and the remains are supplemented by formula milk. I am satisfied with the result and will continue to breastfeed as long as my supply is available.  Breastfeeding is supposed to be an enjoyable journey, if you have tried your very best and still unable to breastfeed your baby, please remember that feeding your baby formula milk does not make you an evil mother! But, this does not apply to those mothers who have milk but choose not to breastfeed their babies due to convenience sake. 

Constant latching or pumping diligently are the only ways to boost breast milk, and these definitely need high level of discipline and determination. Also, to produce milk, one needs to drink a lot of water and soup (total of about 3 litres of fluid) on daily basis and get reasonable rest (it is easy to say but definitely extremely hard to practise when you are taking care of a new born!).  Even though I am able to produce more milk this round, but my hormone has gone hay wired. I bleed every day, to the extent that I can't figure out whether it was menstrual bleeding or postnatal discharge. After a detail internal checking and pap smear screening, nothing wrong was found, thus it was concluded that my condition was hormonal. Doctor has advised me that as long as I continue to breastfeed, I will most probably experience the same condition. Hormone pills can be prescribed to ease the condition, but I have chosen not to take any medication at this point of time. Please let me know if you share the same experience. 

Lifestyle changes

With a new baby around, parents like me and hubby, who do not have assistance from extended family or maids are meant to sacrifice our personal time. just imagine how busy are we to have a terrible two and a new born at the same time. The good thing is I have gained 18kg throughout my 2nd pregnancy, and at this point of writing I only have another 3 kg to shed (don't forget that I have PCOS and it took longer for me to lose weight). I can also fit into all my pre-pregnancy jeans after my confinement; this is so far the greatest reward that happen to me. I remember during my first pregnancy, it took me 18 months to fit into those jeans!     

Baby Lucas at week-8, 6.6 kg

Milk, milk, milk, where are you?

We have finally found NAN 1 Pro as the formula milk that suit Jaden the most.  He had tried Enfalac A+ (which made him very hyper and restless -grunting and snorting non-stop) and Similac (caused diarrhea) before this. 

From our experience, you can never say which formula milk is the best, instead you can only say which brand is most suitable for your baby, and you probably have to keep trying different formulas before you find the right one. Usually, getting samples from your doctor would be best, however we did not have that luxury as we had chosen a "baby-friendly" hospital where breast feeding is encouraged, thus doctors are not allowed to give away samples.

All the while, I had truly wished to fully breast feed Jaden. However, sometimes things do not turn out the way we want. Despite consistent latching on and pumping, my milk did not really come. I have also tried almost all the possible remedies:

1) Drink double boiled young papaya soup, fish soup, red bean soup, chinese herbal 'chuan tong cao' (川通 草)soup
2) Drink RM99 per pack “guarantee to get milk” Sacred Tea
3) Take GNC Fenugreek supplement pill
4) Take rasberry leaf tea
5) Drink Enfamama lactating milk
6) Get postnatal masseur to 'unblock the milk ducts'
7) Visit a lactation consultant - was asked to eat a lot of fattening food like cheese cake and chocolate cake
*I did not try remedy #7, as I think my baby needs a healthy mom to take care of him, and not one who is stuffed with unhealthy trans fat.

After all the effort, my best yield was only 40ml after pumping both sides for 45 minutes. This made me quite depressed, especially the first 2 weeks. I also had crack and bleeding nipples due to over pumping. The pain was unbearable.

I did not know what is the reason of me not having enough milk. And then, out of curiosity, I googled ' PCOS and breast feeding', I sort of got an answer to justify my situation. Research shows that 1/3 of PCOS patients have very low volume of breast milk. Tada.....I was the 'lucky' 1/3! Although I am not very sure that if PCOS is the reason of me having low volume of breast milk, at least this finding has lifted a heavy emotional burden off me. A chat with Dr. Paul also made me believe that being a good mother and mother-child bonding is not solely depends on breastfeeding your child. His comforting advice has encouraged me to face my situation honestly and accept who I am.

Nevertheless, I will still continue to pump and let Jaden latch on, just to maintain my supply, no matter how low the volume is. I will let Jaden have whatever I can produce, hopefully until he is 6 months old.

If you happen to fall into the same category as me, and had been told by many breast feeding fanatics (a.k.a. certain unconsiderate lactation consultants and mothers who look down on mothers that are unable to breastfeed) that the reason of you not having milk/ enough milk is because you did not try hard enough, I want you to lift up your head, look into their eyes and tell them to respect your difference. After all, you are still a good mother!